Tuesday, October 10, 2006

..,,

Trump University website

now, i love donald trump just as much as the next person. i do, i really do. i probably even love him more than melania does. i have no vested interest in him, so i'm able to love freely, without strings. or lies. not that melania is lying, necessarily. but, you know....

anyway.

who's familiar with the trump university? anyone? no? really? no one? wow. im surprised.

you should be. it's amazing. it's the premier success institution in america. success. that's what it's all about. it's going to happen to you.

but, it's not just about success. it's also about...stuff.

the intro video: who produced this? was it the same producers of the successful dwarf twin infomercials (you know them...one of them died within the past year)? was it produced by the team that brings us joel osteen? or maybe it was tony robbins' people. i would love to know.

whoever put this together, it seems as though their advice was "just wing it. it'll sound great. natural. dont worry about enunciating. or even being able to speak english well. just go for it!"

i mean, this is the transcript:

"action is what trump university is all about. but action is just a small part of trump university. trump university is about knowledge, about a lot of different things. above all, it's about how to become successful."

that's trump speaking. one cut. the intro to his university.

impressive, no? the video is even better.

we go on. this from a trump u. student, aptly named Gross:

"my overall feeling of the trump university is that it's enabled me to gain a confidence that i need and fire in my gut to stay in business through the tough times and also, have available, a team of experts who have been froo what i'm presently going froo right now."

from the looks of it, mr. gross is going through his 5th night of falling asleep outside a bar in a puddle of his own vomit. after 3 months of his fat wife telling him to lose weight or she'll leave him. dont eat this, eat more broccoli, sit up straight - it aids digestion, dont lie down right after eating, have some more lichen, dont eat that french fry, lick my crack.... he looks like he's 30 seconds from :: not mars :: but killing himself.

then we cut to prof. gary eldred. he does something with the univers- and is an investor, consultant, and author. actually, you know what, i'm pretty sure that i now qualify to rep the school too....

"im proud to be associated with trump universe because ive examined about all the books, courses, seminars....and what impressed me about trump university and when they asked me to become a part of it, that it impressed me because, they wanted t-goo offer solid education. they wanted to avoid the hype."

couldnt they have afforded another take?

it's not even worth talking about the rest of it. the next woman they cut to cant look at the camera or the interviewor. she keeps looking into space, fumbling for words. or reading cue cards.

awesome

"we teach success. that's what it's all about. it's going to happen to you. along with other things."

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

.,,

lonelygirl15. i hate her. seriously hate her. i cannot believe that the times gave her the front page of the business section today. and that forbes just wrote an article about her.

have you ever seen one of those videos? they are AWFUL. terrible. seriously stupid and bad. and fully not interesting. and it gets me annoyed when i see, on my google sidebar, a little popup that tells me about the forbes article. jesus christ. it's embarassing i think, for forbes and the times. it's fine for stupid internet writers to complain about lonelygirl15 (wow. surprise. it's fake. jesus. who knew?) - it's an entirely different thing for major publications to care about this. so what if millions of people on youtube watched those videos. they're idiots. and NOT THE PEOPLE THAT READ THE TIMES OR FORBES. i mean, at all. are those publications serious? ugh.

i have a crappy job and too much free time. i can talk about whatever i want. but please, is there nothing else the times business section could cover? nothing? lonelygirl15 and the fact that it was just admitted that it's fake warrants a front page article?

this is why no one cares about those newspapers and magazines anymore.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

,,

andrew wk.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

...,

"and give early help to students who struggle with math, so they have a better chance at good, high wage jobs."

i wasnt aware that math proficiency was directly tied to high wage jobs. interesting. thank you state of the union, i have been learned.

..,

among the things i hate, state of the union addresses rank pretty high up there. mostly, i hate how those idiot senators interrupt all the time to clap. and stand up and clap. and shout. like animals. braying. but they keep standing and interrupting and making this speech take far longer than it should be.

i think they just cut to a sentator saying "yay."

i just rewound it. they did. i think she was also holding a whopper. with cheese. and bacon.

why do they all clap? why do the producers in the trucks cut to shots of the crowd clapping? is that like how oreilly puts his talking points graphic next to his head when he talks, only far dumber? so that in case we're morons and didnt understand his spoken words we could hopefully understand his written words - only this way, its for those who dont understand, but it's really only important for them to know that the president said something that some other people thought was good?

i dont know. this is retarded. why do they cut into american idol for this? it's just going to be reposted, word for word, all over the internet (and found looping on cspan) immediately after. why bother us? it's not urgent in any sense of that word. it's not immediate. necessarily immediate. certainly not immediate enough to cut into my television. i got home and wondered why my dvr was off. now i know why. my show ended. prematurely. i would like to end prematurely all over these annoying senators. especially the ones with red and/or blue ties.

i am wasting more time on this tha---wait, there are children there? christ. i hope they get made fun of to no end tomorrow. those children. they must be SO annoying in school. i want to punch them myself. well, her. there was only one little girl. i hate her. and this pink senator with a---hmmm, maybe that was laura bush. i dont know. and now i have bored myself far more than i deserved to...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

..,

seriously, who the fuck cares about jenna elfman? anyone? is there a single person who gives a squirted taco shit about her? i cannot believe that there is someone who does.

and why is she being jammed down our throats on TV as if we've missed her all this time?

oh, wait...right, now i remember. dharma and greg! i cant believe i forgot... that really was a good show.

for assholes.

fuck her. and that stupid dance she does in that commercial. good idea guys. make her dance like a retard, that'll get viewers!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

.,

Ethan Fixell 12:59
if i dont meet a new girl soon im going to kill myself

DC 1:00
you have to leave your apt to meet girls. and not be dressed up in cardboard and tinfoil.

Ethan Fixell 1:00
yeah...
1:01
im learning that
1:01
dude
1:01
honestly though
1:01
how awesome were those costumes
1:01
we made everyone so uncomfortable
1:01
it was so awkward
1:01
they were so bulky and huge

Saturday, October 29, 2005

,

carrie:

but for the first time in a long time she bowed her head to pray.
she said "i'm sorry for the way i've been living my life. i know i've got to change."
so from now on, tonight: jesus take the wheel.
take it from my hands.
cuz i cant do this on my own.
ho, i'm letting go.
so give me one more chance.
save me from this road i'm on. oooohhh jesus take the wheel.
ho, i'm letting go.
so give me one more chance.
save me from this road i'm on. from this road i'm on.
jesus, take the wheel. oh take it. take it from me. ooooo aaaaaaaa ooooooo.

or. from tom jone- i mean bob ice (feat. santana):

hey well im a friendly stranger in the black sedan, wont you hop inside my car?
i got pictures, got candy, am a lovable man, and i can take you to the nearest star. (or the bricked off room in my basement)
im your vehicle baby, ill take you anywhere you wanna go. (as long as it's that room)
im your vehicle woman, but now im sure you know. (that you're life is over and that you're about to be brutalized)
i love you, need you, got to have you, child.
thank god in heaven. (for sending this stupid, sexy child to me)
you know i love you. ("love," "want to rape," what's the real difference?)